Hi Kate, I'm dealing with some of the same things with my 4 and 7 year old. A couple of books i've found helpful they are on amazon.
1. Parenting from the inside out. How a deeper understanding of self can help you raise children who thrive. by Daniel Seigel.
2. Things I want my daughters to know. By Alexander Stoddard.
Kids emulate what they see their parents doing. One thing a therapist told me recently. Kids are pretty forgiving if they know that their parents truly love being parents.
Best,